It’s amazing how one can forget what being truly alone feels like, and how just like that, it jumps you like a thief in the night, and you’re tossed right back into that place. I was pretty much alone my entire life, I had friends, I had family, but I spent a large amount of time by myself. In a lot of ways, I feel like I raised myself. I spent a lot of time behind a door, and four walls. Hiding from the world. Not out of fear, but just because I never quite got it right (out there.) And then one day, something/or someone came along, and changed all of that. Tearing down those walls, and burrowing itself into my entire being. I trusted it, I believed in it, I told myself “it’s going to be okay now.” And I became completely wrapped up in this other “reality”, because it felt fucking incredible, there’s nothing like it, and when you’re in it, you are immersed, and then submerged. Your senses stop working. This thing, is everything. And then one day, this thing just disappears, and you’re left with broken walls, a broken heart, and even after you try to piece it together, there are still cracks. And, you want so badly to turn to that thing, because it feels like home. But, you don’t have a home anymore, you haven’t in a long time. Everything you thought you knew, or had is gone. You reach out in the dark, and nothing takes shape. The feeling of empty space, makes your skin crawl. I used to revel in being alone. And now it’s the scariest fucking thing on earth.
I don’t know if this rant made any fucking sense. And I’m sure someone will take this way too seriously, and YOU SHOULDN’T. I’m just thinking out loud or online (rather.) This isn’t a cry for help or attention. I know how easily alarmed people can get, but chill.